I Read This So You Won't Have To: "Cook to Bang: The Lay Cook's Guide to Getting Laid"

After reading "Where the Wild Things Are" to my son for the umpteenth time, I realized that I read for him more than I do for myself. I used to have a lot of time to read for pleasure back when I bused in to work, just like I did before I became a parent. But all that free reading stopped after I continued using my car at the conclusion of the OC Transpo strike. I used to read everything from books by Hunter S Thompson and Walter Mosley, to magazines like "Wired", "Wizard", and "Maxim". I blame the latter for causing me to settle on Spencer Walker's book "Cook to Bang: The Lay Cook's Guide to Getting Laid". As much as I enjoyed the articles and pictures in the men's magazine, there's a reason I stopped reading it - I got old, and outgrew the lads' mag mentality. This book drove home the point that you can't go home again.

The premise of the book is quite obvious - the way to get into a woman’s panties is through her stomach. It starts with a history lesson of the link between food and sex, filtered through a Barney Stinson/Guy Fieri mash-up that no one was ever asking for. That's not to say that the information found inside isn't any good. I thought the section on food couplings was worthwhile (good combinations: beets and goat cheese; seafood and mango; dates and bacon), and the chapters on food aphrodisiacs and cocktails had some good recipes to try. But calling a steamed artichoke with a spicy aioli dish 'Don't Artichoke Your Chicken' doesn't make me want to either cook it, eat it, or give it to someone I want to do it with. And no matter how many histamines asparagus has to "rev up the power of an orgasm", there's no need to call something 'Tap That Ass-paragus Soup", especially if you plan to put it in your own or someone else's mouth. The dating advice is more of the same. While friends of "Andrew in Charlotte" may no longer think he's gay after his reading of "Cook to Bang", and the boyfriend of "Madeline in Los Angeles" went all sex crazy after breakfast when she tried the recipes, your success may vary. With suggestions like serving jalapeno poppers to church-goers, and brie and crackers to power yuppies, and ways to identify club sluts and dance floor D-bags, maybe my single brother-in-law would have gotten more out of the sexual profiling chapter than I did.

I can't say I would recommend this book to anyone, unless as a gag gift. While there's some interesting stuff to be found in this book, the horny teenager vibe makes it hard to read or to take seriously. Maybe I expected more from an author who's worked as both a sous-chef and a private chef. As a married man, maybe I just don't "get it" as I wasn't the target audience for this book. While the recipes may save you from spending money at a 4-star restaurant in your quest to get in dat ass, there’s a reason no one asks Gordon Ramsey for dating advice.

• Cook to Bang: The Lay Cook's Guide to Getting Laid

St. Martha’s Brasserie - The Best Restaurant in Orleans

Early last week was my birthday, so my wife and young son took me out for a celebratory lunch. I am pleased to report that they took me to a place I've been wanting to try ever since I saw it out of the corner of my eye when I was leaving Place Centrum a few months back. St. Martha’s Brasserie is my favourite restaurant in Orleans. I know that's not saying much what with all the fast-food and corporate restaurants that litter the suburb, but that shouldn't be held against this place. This restaurant would be a standout in any of Ottawa's trendier neighbourhoods.

Not a large place by any means, the Brasserie makes the most of the space it has. The dark wood interior made the restaurant feel warm and inviting. The three of us sat under the mirror near the spotless stainless steel diner seating overlooking the equally spotless kitchen.  For a Tuesday afternoon, there were a lot of people there for the lunch rush, but it was cozy and not cramped.

Lunch for me started with steamed mussels served with a white wine cream sauce, Pernod and bacon, garnished with fennel and roasted garlic, served with a side of hand-cut frites with a garlic aioli.

The mussels were cooked well in a delicious broth, and the frites were as tasty as their reputation has claimed. That was followed with confit de canard; Dawn had the pasta and sausage lunch special while young Master Franklin nibbled on chicken taken off skewers and frites from the children's menu.

The confit was nicely done, crispy from the pan-searing, and made even sweeter with the honey and apricot sauce it was glazed with. I would have preferred more of the roasted vegetable than the crispy corn polenta that came with it, but it did add an interesting texture to the meal. Dawn enjoyed her meal, saying the pasta was simple and satisfying.

Overall, we found that St. Martha’s Brasserie's concept of "classic French brasserie fare within an Ontarian context" surpassed expectations. With its traditional fare, as well as vegetarian and gluten-free options available, we highly recommend this restaurant to anyone in Orleans, or to anyone willing to drive out to Ottawa's east end.

The hottest cooking shows on the web

If you're looking for a new cooking show to watch, but can't find anything on television, you might want to consider the following new shows on the Internet. One features the reliably entertaining and informative Alton Brown, and the other features the stars of "Parks and Recreation" and "Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!". Enjoy!

[UPDATE! - 2014-08-05] She hosts what's been called the “realest cooking show on the Internet” by no less than the people who watch videos on World Star Hip Hop, here's Auntie Fee, doing something for the kids.

Sweet Treat For the Kids


 [UPDATE! - 2014-05-06] Check out food-rap pioneer Action Bronson's new show as well.

Fuck, That's Delicious
  

Food Club
  

 Alton Brown Road Eats
  

Afro-Canadian Approves of Collard Greens

Like a lot of children who grew up watching shows like "Good Times", "Sanford and Son", and "What's Happening?” the only thing I knew about collard greens is that it was something black people ate for dinner. But my family never did. Though popular in the southern United States, Brazil, and Portugal, as well as many parts of Africa, Montenegro, Bosnia and Herzegovina, southern Croatia, northern Spain and in India, it was something my Barbados-born parents never cooked. In fact, I've only seen collard greens in the supermarket recently. Similar to kale, collards are known for their thick, slightly bitter, edible leaves, and are available year-round, but are tastier and more nutritious in the cold months, after the first frost. Packed with nutrients, they are an excellent source of fiber, vitamin K (half a cup of cooked collard greens has 8 times the daily requirement), vitamin A, vitamin C, folate, beta-carotene, and other carotenoids; lutein, and have been shown to have anti-cancer properties. A friend of mine (a white guy no less) came back from a vacation in North Carolina and raved about the collards he had with some fried chicken and macaroni and cheese. Having already tasted and cooked both the former and the latter, I figured I could add a new recipe to my repertoire after hearing my friend's glowing recommendation of the meal, as well as satisfy my curiosity about what the big deal with collard greens was after all these years. And I got to say, I can see why he's a fan - it tastes good on its own or with smoked and salted meat. I discovered two different ways to prepare collard greens (you can substitute spinach, Swiss chard or any hardy leafy green vegetable if you like), one a quick and easy method, the other for when you have more time to spare. Give them a try if you're looking to add a new side dish to your dinner table.

Ingredients for Beer and Bacon Braised Collard Greens

4 bunches collard greens, stems removed, and chopped
6 slices thick cut bacon, large dice
1 onion, large dice ( I added some minced garlic when I cooked it)
1 bottle beer, preferably a nut brown ale
pinches cayenne pepper
1/4 cup brown sugar
salt and pepper, to taste

1. Place the bacon in a wide bottomed pot and cook over low heat. Add the onions after 10 minutes and continue cooking until bacon is crispy and onions have caramelized, stirring occasionally.
2. Turn the heat to medium high. Add the half the collard greens and the bottle of beer. Stir with tongs or a spoon and let wilt some before adding the rest of the greens. Stir until the greens are mixed with the liquid and add the cayenne pepper, brown sugar, salt and pepper. Turn down the heat, cover, and let cook for 30 minutes or until greens are tender.

Ingredients for Sautéed Collard Greens

1 bunch collard greens; stems and thick veins removed, and sliced into 1-inch strips
enough olive oil to coat a sauté or nonstick pan

1. In a pan preheated over medium heat, add the greens and the olive oil. Quickly toss the greens to coat them in the oil.
2. Toss while cooking until the greens wilt evenly. Season with salt and pepper.
   
   For a different flavour profile, change it up with these combinations:

• 5 cloves garlic, minced; juice from half a small lemon
• 2 teaspoon balsamic vinegar, pinch of sugar
• 1 teaspoon sherry vinegar, 1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes, 1 can cannellini beans, 3 cloves garlic
• 1/4 red onion, sliced thin and sauteed to cook; 1/2 apple sliced into bite-sized pieces and cooked; a handful of chopped walnuts, toasted

Danny Trejo's Breadanimals

Danny Trejo is a badass. After several stints in prison, and overcoming an addiction to drugs, he has become one of the most prolific actors working today, appearing in "Desperado", "Heat", "Con Air", "Breaking Bad", and my personal favorite, "Machete". But when he's not portraying a criminal or an anti-hero, he apparently likes to make animals out of baked goods. I'll let the man explain it himself.

Science and Cooking: From Haute Cuisine to Soft Matter Science - Week 5

As I posted in my October 13th blog entry, I've enrolled in an on-line course about the relationship between science and cooking.  Yes, I'm still plugging away at this, luckily I decided to do this for the knowledge as opposed to the college credit.

• This week the focus is on gelation, diffusion and spherification. Appearances will be made by Nathan Myhrvold, José Andrés, and Ferran Adrià, who popularized spherification, the ability to create a small shell of gel around food.
• Spherification happens when sodium alginate, a polymer that comes from seaweed, reacts with a salt like calcium chloride. The polymers, when in solution, are negatively charged. Electrical charges that are negative repel each other. Calcium ions have two positive charges, which allows the calcium ions to stick to the alginate molecule, as one of the positive charges will cancel out the negative charge, but still leaves a positive charge left. That positive charge can then stick to another alginate molecule, thus allowing the two molecules to stick to each other. If the number of such cross-links becomes high enough, you then create a gel.
• Got some clementines laying around? This is what José Andrés would do with them:
  
• A common example of gelation - making jell-o, or cooking eggs. They consist of polymers with cross-links holding the polymers to each other.
• Polymers are long strands that are intermixed with each other.  Think of them as being like a bowl of spaghetti.  When you form a gel, you stabilize the cross-links between the strands, the cross-links being the places where the strands overlap. Only a tiny part of the material actually are the molecules that cause the solid to hang together. Most of it is actually liquid. That's why it's not as solid as your hand.
• The equation E equals kT over l cubed, can be used to find the elasticity of a gel.
• There are two categories of how cross-links can form. In the first category, the polymers come from some protein component of the food. This is what happens with eggs. The proteins unfold because of heating, and then they stick to each other forming cross-links.
• The second category involves some other binding agent being added, like a type of glue, that causes the polymers to stick to each other.
• Nathan Myhvold comes on to talk about modern thickeners, like agar, xanthan gum and gellan gum.
• A great practical use for all this knowledge of gels is make great scrambled eggs. Dan Souza demonstrates:
  
• Harold McGee talks about the history of gels and jellies, and mentions an imitation egg recipe used during the time of fasting during Lent in 1600.
• Ever wonder why your homemade coleslaw gets watery? A cabbage is about 93% water, and some of this water dilutes the dressing used on it.  It's the salty ingredients in the dressing that are drawing water out of the cabbage and ruining the coleslaw. When salt is applied to any vegetable, including cabbage, it creates a higher ion concentration at the surface than exists deep within the cells. The salt slowly diffuses into the vegetable while also drawing moisture out.  To equalize the concentration levels, the water within the cells is drawn out to the permeable cell walls. This process is called osmosis.
• To get rid of that moisture, toss your shredded cabbage with a teaspoon of salt in a colander, and let the cabbage sit for at least an hour or up to 4 hours until it wilts. Rinse the cabbage under cold running water, and press, but not squeeze, to drain, and then pat dry with paper towels. Then combine your dressing as normal.

Soup of the Day

Last Wednesday Ottawa was hit with another blast of snow and ice after a winter full of them. Hopefully, that was the last of the polar vortex, but just in case, I've decided to stock up and make some hearty soups for any remaining chilly nights. I've decided some on white bean and garlic soup and a basic chicken stock so I can make a quick chicken soup in the future, and some creamy goodness in the near future. So Old Man Winter, do your worse- but spring can hurry up and make an appearance anytime now.

Ingredients: White Bean and Garlic soup
2 cups dry white beans
2 cups chicken or vegetable stock
1 medium yellow onion, diced and sautéed
3 slices French bread, coated in olive oil and toasted on both sides
1/2 head garlic
salt, pepper

1. Soak the beans in water overnight. After soaking, drain the beans, put them in a pot, fill it with water, bring it to a boil, and let everything simmer for at least 15 minutes.
• If you want your beans to be a less musical fruit, be sure to soak and boil your beans. A protein called phytohaemagglutinin causes all that farting and boiling the beans denatured this protein to produce a more silent meal.
2. Remove the beans from the water and put them in a food processor. Add whatever stock you're using, the onion, the French bread, the garlic, and the salt and pepper, then purée until everything is blended.

Ingredients: Chicken stock
1.8 to 2.3 kg. poultry parts (ie. chicken back, neck, and wing bones), or a 1.8 to 2.3 kg. whole bird
cold water
1 unpeeled onion, coarsely chopped
1 celery rib, coarsely chopped
1 carrot, coarsely chopped
8 black or white peppercorns
1 bouquet garni

1. Place the poultry parts in a stockpot, and cover them with cold water. Slowly bring everything to a boil.
2. Once at a boil, reduce the heat, simmer for about 30 minutes uncovered, skimming often. Add the vegetables and the spices. Continue simmering and skimming for about 3 to 4 hours.  Add water to cover everything only if necessary.
3. To cool, place the stockpot uncovered in the sink, partially immersed in ice water. Refrigerate covered. The fat that rises is a protective coating, so don't remove it until just before you reheat the stock for serving or use.
   
   Makes about 10 cups, and keeps for about 3-4 days refrigerated, and up to 6 months if frozen.

The recipes featured in this blog came from:

• Cooking for Geeks: Real Science, Great Hacks, and Good Food
• Joy of Cooking