I Watched This So You Won't Have To: "Knife Fight"

Debuting earlier this year on Food Network Canada, "Knife Fight" is a show hosted by former "Top Chef" winner Ilan Hall that pits two chefs against each other in a competition where they must make at least two dishes in one hour using a combination of two or three secret ingredients, and whatever is in the pantry. This is done for bragging rights in front of a live audience and is critiqued by Hall and two rotating judges, usually a celebrity and someone in the food industry. I've been watching this show on and off these past months, here's what I thought about the episode shown on March 5th:

• At the start of the show, Hall tells the viewer this isn't your mother's cooking show. If someone's mom had a hand in creating "Chopped", she would beg to differ. 
• Some people may remember Hall's role in the infamous "Top Chef" head-shaving incident done to molecular gastronomy douchebag Marcel Vigneron, so this show already has that going for it.
• We're lead to believe this show takes place after-hours in Hall's restaurant The Gorbals.  Reality TV being what it is, I question the idea of any chef letting a TV crew and an audience into their place after a night's service to film an "after-hours warzone". But I'm cynical like that, and I've never worked in a kitchen, so what do I know? And how underground can these after-hours chef battles be when they take place in a restaurant as mainstream as The Gorbals?
• We're also lead to believe he's been hosting these cooking contests for years. I would have thought getting his restaurant off the ground would have taken up a majority of his time, but again, this is reality TV, and all I know about the restaurant business is what I see on television, and read about in books.
• The winner of the competition gets a cleaver with the word "I win" emblazoned on it, the loser gets a smaller cleaver with the word "I didn't win" on his. Something tells me getting television exposure for themselves and their restaurant(s) is the biggest prize of all.
• Giovanni Reda is the master of ceremonies - does a cooking show really need a master of ceremonies?
• If you heard this much noise at a restaurant, you'd walk out, and bitch about the place on Yelp. There's got to be an "Applause" sign flashing in the building somewhere. I find it hard to believe that people can get that excited watching people cook. 
• Tonight's combatants are Raphael Lunetta and Neal Fraser. I'm sure these chefs are as good as the reputations that proceed them, but I can't believe the mere mention of these chefs names can cause that much of a frenzy. 
• Fun facts about the chefs: Lunetta loves surfing so much he's known as the Surfing Chef. At Fraser's Fritzi Dog artisan hot dog restaurant, you can get a sausage made with roast turkey and duck, and a sous-vide carrot for your veggie dog.
• We laughed at the idea back in the late 90's, but Kramer from "Seinfeld" with his peanut butter and jelly sandwich restaurant idea truly was ahead of its time.
• Our judges this evening are James Beard Foundation Award-nominated chef Mark Peel, celebrated chef Michael Cimarusti, and noted actress, winemaker (who knew?), and food lover Drew Barrymore. 
• No celebrity timekeeper for this week's episode. It looks like Barrymore pulled rank as the show's executive producer to get on the judging panel. The other judges may have more knowledge about food, but neither of them were in "Charlie's Angels", thus warranting the additional screen time.  
• A forty-day dry-aged rib-eye, abalone (a large mollusk), and Pacific Ocean trout are the mandatory ingredients. Other than the abalone still being live, these items don't appear to be so weird that they would throw the chefs for a loop. That being said, Lunetta seemed intimidated by the amount of food he had to use, and the time he had to cook it in. Fraser, on the other hand, seemed to take everything in stride and rolled with the punches.
• The audience is said to be made up of their chefs' friends, family, and whatever celebrities happen to be in the area. Either these chefs know, or are related to the most photogenic people in L.A., or there was a casting call for people to attend this show. That would explain the woman in the bunny ears, and the hipster in the leather fedora, unless this is how west coast foodies usually dress.
• Mollusks are hard to shuck, no matter how big they are.
• Barrymore on her foodie cred: "I had my first octopus at six years old, I never turned back." Something else that she tasted for the first time at a young age was alcohol - hindsight being 20/20, she should have stuck with the octopus. (Too soon?)
• Not hearing a lot of questions about cooking from an audience allegedly made up of foodies, just a lot of hooting and hollering. The judges though are very interested in what's going on in the kitchen, so it's good to see they're taking their job seriously.
• First dish out from Fraser: sauteed abalone with shishito peppers with a green garlic purée. Raves from the judges, though Peel wasn't crazy about the abalone.
• Lunetta seems to be having trouble in the unfamiliar kitchen, he is soon heard saying he's "in the weeds". This admission seems to surprise Cimarusti.
• I wonder who feeds the audience and the cast because the only people I see eating are the judges. Lots of people in the crowd are drinking, so I guess it's an open bar.
• Second dish out from Fraser: Ocean trout on English peas with a white carrot purée and mushrooms. More raves from the judges and some concern about whether the Surfing Chef will be able to plate anything.
• Even though he's running behind, Lunetta takes the time to properly debone the fish he's preparing. He is though ignoring the judges, and focusing on his cooking.
• Having the chefs walk the dishes out to the judging area really adds to the drama given the time constraints they're under.
• Do chefs usually carry around special spice blends with them? Seems kind of convenient that Lunetta just happened to have the spice he would normally use on a rib-eye for this competition.
• Also convenient: that Barrymore's wine just happens to be available for Lunetta to use for his pan sauce.
• A woman famous for her substance abuse issues has her own brand of wine. Think about that for a minute.
• With two dishes out to the Surfing Chef's none, I think Fraser is the clear favourite to win the competition unless Lunetta blows the judges away with his creations.
• 10 minutes left in the cookoff, and neither chef has touched the rib-eye yet.
• Lunetta announces he will walk all his dishes out at once when they're finished. The judges are OK with this.
• Third dish out from Fraser: Côte de bœuf (a fancy way of describing a rib steak) served with cheese grits and a horseradish gremolata (a chopped herb condiment). Enjoyed by the judges, with the gremolata, in particular, getting raves.
• With the clock ticking down, and the crowd chanting his name, Lunetta finally brings out his food. He presents to the judges a sea trout and abalone with a guava and citrus emulsion, and a côte de bœuf with a pan sauce made with pink peppercorns, beef fat and bones, and wine.
• Barrymore on tasting Luntta's beef dish: "It's like Christmas in your mouth!" 
• Peel liked the beef as well, particularly the pan sauce, but thought the dish was too complex and ambitious. Cimarusti liked the Surfer Chef's fish so much, he jokingly planned to steal it for his own restaurant. 
• It must be hard to judge people you know and have worked with, and admire. You can see the judges have a lot of respect for the chefs in tonight's competition.
• Lunetta doesn't like his chances of winning this contest. That belief holds true with Fraser winning, as I expected. A good time was had by all, all hail the Hot Dog King.

Bottom line: Watching "Knife Fight" is like watching a CGI car crash directed by Michael Bay - you know what you're watching is fake, but you can't help but look at all the explosions. This show is food porn on speed. But interestingly enough, after seeing this episode, I wanted to head to my kitchen and cook something, which usually doesn't happen to me when I finish watching a cooking show. If you want to learn something about cooking, watch Hall's "Eat Like a Man" series of videos. But if you want to see celebrities and hipsters pretend to care about cooking, this is the show to watch. As guilty pleasures go, this show can't be beat.