Dining During The Coronapocalypse

It took only a matter of weeks for the coronavirus to go from being a punchline about Mexican beer to panic about a global pandemic. With quarantines and self-isolation being recommended by health officials as ways to control the spread of the virus, an industry that thrives on people getting together like the restaurant industry does is encountering a serious problem. The colder months are usually a slow period at the best of times, and in an industry known for low-profit margins, there is a good chance that one of your favorite eateries may not outlast the outbreak. Some establishments have adapted by no longer accepting reusable cups in an effort to help prevent the spread of COVID-19; some places are moving to digital payment only; a lot of restaurants who don't already have some sort of delivery may be forced into doing so. As dining establishments adjust to these extraordinary circumstances, we must change as well. Here are some tips to help guide us through this new normal:

• People working in restaurants have a tendency to work when they're sick - please don't do this now. I understand that people need to work to order pay their bills, but if someone shows symptoms of the coronavirus and they still head out to work, they aren't helping anyone, especially themselves. If you are in such a position, tell team members who are not feeling well to stay home (yes, I know it's not easy running a restaurant, let alone one with less staff, but remember I'm just some asshole who doesn't want to get sick when he goes out to eat, so cut me some slack). Any restaurant that forces its employees to work when they are ill should be outed and shamed on social media -  the internet never forgets.
• Tip generously if you are dining out. Remember, a lot of people in the food service industry make minimum wage, and as fewer people head out to eat, everyone’s paycheque is going to be smaller. 
• Don't no-show your reservations at the restaurant you booked. If you can’t make it, call the restaurant and cancel; this is just good etiquette, like washing your hands, and covering your mouth when you sneeze or cough.
• Consider buying a gift card from your favourite local coffee shop, or restaurant. It's a great way to show you're there for them now and in the future. If you’re torn between a chain restaurant and your favourite smaller spot, consider supporting a local business. Chances are that burger or fast food joint will be able to survive a few months of slumping sales, that little place around the corner you go for brunch at, not so much.
• Start lobbying the municipal, provincial, and federal government for whatever payroll and tax breaks for small businesses they can give you. Politicians always say they work for the people, now is as good a time as any to start holding their feet to the fire about that promise.
• Finally, let's remember that the people who cook, serve, sell, or deliver our food are human beings who are dealing with the stress of this epidemic too. There's no reason to get mad at your server or the delivery person because all the stores are out of toilet paper. If you know anyone who’s struggling during this time, reach out and show care and concern. The only way we're going to get through this is by sticking together and helping each other.

An Ode to Old Bay

There are only three things I know about the city of Baltimore, Maryland - the Ravens and Orioles play there; "The Wire" was set there, and that Old Bay seasoning mix is made there. Named after the Old Bay steamship line, Old Bay was created in 1939 by Gustav Brunn, a German immigrant who fled Germany in 1937 at the outset of World War 2 with only a small spice grinder in his possession, according to legend. After founding the Baltimore Spice Company, Brunn created a blend of black pepper, celery salt, crushed red pepper flakes, and paprika (among other things) that he originally called "Delicious Brand Shrimp and Crab Seasoning". While mainly used to season seafood, Old Bay soon found its way into recipes that use poultry, red meat, corn, potatoes, or grilled vegetables, and being sprinkled on eggs, popcorn, salads, and pizza. This ubiquitous spice blend was made by the Baltimore Spice Company until McCormick & Company acquired the legal rights to the seasoning brand in 1990; the rights to the Baltimore Spice Company itself were purchased by the Fuchs Group, a German spice company. Because it has so many uses, I consider Old Bay a must-have for any spice rack. If you need more convincing, try this recipe for the food that was there from the beginning.

Ingredients: Crab Cakes

454 g lump crabmeat (don't use the fake stuff)
30 g mayonnaise
10 g Old Bay seasoning
10 g parsley flakes
5 g yellow mustard
2 slices white bread, crusts removed and crumbled
1 egg, beaten

1. Mix the bread, mayonnaise, Old Bay, parsley, mustard and egg in a large bowl until its well blended. Gently stir in crabmeat. Shape the mixture into four patties.
2. You can either broil the patties in the oven for ten minutes without turning, or you can fry them in a pan on the stove until they turn golden brown on both sides, it's up to you. The crab cakes are good on their own or served with a green salad. Feel free to sprinkle on Old Bay if you like, no one will judge.

Working My Way Through The Works: Smokey Mountain

A popular gimmick for food blogs is to eat and review every item on a restaurant's menu. This blog is no exception. These are the observations I've had while eating my way through the burger menu of The Works, a Canadian burger restaurant with locations across Ottawa and Ontario.

The WORKS (900 Watters Road)
Burger Description: "Smokey BBQ sauce, jack cheese & bacon"
($15.91)

January 28, 2020
It's been a while since I've done one of these - it's good to get back on the burger beat again. Today's hamburger choice was inspired by a podcast I like to listen to. "Jim Cornette's Drive-Thru" is a show where former professional wrestling personality Jim Cornette answers questions about professional wrestling and the pro wrestling industry. He brings a lot of knowledge to these questions as he has worked as a wrestling manager, agent, booker, color commentator, promoter, trainer, and in-the-ring performer for over 30 years. As I was driving home listening to his podcast, he was talking about one of his favourite subjects (other than how much he hates modern wrestling), the promotion he started back in the early 90s called Smoky Mountain Wrestling. SMW followed Cornette's vision that pro wrestling was about good guys battling bad guys through legit athletic competition, and not about outlandish cartoon characters or edgy sex-based storylines or putting people wrapped in barbed wire through tables. Alas, the company folded after four years and has played a factor in making Cornette the controversial curmudgeon that he is today. After fast-forwarding through his latest rant, I decided to order the Smokey Mountain to eat while watching some Smoky Mountain Wrestling, just to see if the fuss he makes about how old-school 'rassling is better than today's product has merit. Heading over to YouTube, I found the very first episode of SMW's television show from February of 1992. There were some familiar faces in action, such as Robert Gibson of the Rock N Roll Express, "Prime Time" Brian Lee, and Barry Horowitz; the main event featured Bobby Fulton of the Fantastics against the Russian Bear Ivan Koloff. And of course, there was Cornette, doing what he does best, talking people into the building, and riling them up with his words. There were no elaborate entrances, no pyrotechnics, and no Jumbrotrons like you see on today's wrestling shows. The matches themselves were nothing special with the star getting the pin over the less popular wrestler with the usual exaggerated punches, kicks, and holds. It was a lot like my hamburger - even though the patty was cooked well done, and the bacon was salty and crunchy, and the cheese melted nicely, and BBQ sauce was spicy, it was still just a bacon cheeseburger with a sauce that reminded me of something I can get from the grocery store. And if that's what you're in the mood for, you will be happy with what you get ordering the Smokey Mountain.  As for Jim Cornette and Smoky Mountain Wrestling, I get that wrestling is still real to a lot of people, and that they long for the days of kayfabe, but at some point, it stops being noble to want to put the toothpaste back into the tube - sometimes you have to accept that the past is the past for a reason.

Smokey Mountain
2.5 out of 5 stars - OK, but there are more interesting items on the menu

Smoky Mountain Wrestling
2.5 out of 5 stars - OK, but I enjoyed watching local promotion C4 Wrestling more

Drink Long and Prosper - "Star Trek" Cocktails

Growing up I had a lot of sci-fi interests, like the disco-era "Battlestar Galactica"; a Buck Rogers with a robot sidekick voiced by Mel Blanc; the Tom Baker version of "Doctor Who"; and George Lucas' first space trilogy. But the first live-action space fantasy that I ever became hooked on was "Star Trek". I discovered it back when the CBC showed the syndicated episodes on Sunday mornings after "Coronation Street". I didn't pay attention to the finer points of the plots (such as they were) of the original series, but I knew Capt. Kirk, Mr. Spock, and their friends flew around in a cool spaceship that could beam them to and from strange new worlds, where they sought out new life and new civilizations with their fists and laser guns. I kept my love of "Star Trek" to myself, as it wasn't as popular with my friends as "Star Wars" was, and its fans were mocked for being obsessive losers with bad hygiene and worse social skills by everyone else. I watched the original series whenever I saw it was on, but I didn't make watching "Star Trek" a priority until the groundbreaking "Next Generation" series debuted several years later. Whether it was the improved special effects, or the superior acting and writing, this version of Gene Roddenberry's vision was better received and more accepted by mainstream audiences. This surge in popularity also rubbed off on "Star Trek" fans as well, and with geek culture at its highest, every comic book convention and devoted cos-playing fan owes a debt of gratitude to all the Trekkies who made being a fanboy/girl and geeking out cool. With Sir Patrick Stewart returning to television with "Star Trek: Picard", get your inner Guinan on and be the hit of your Trekkie viewing party with these Star Trek-themed cocktails. It may not be the same as having a drink at Ten-Forward or at Quark's, but it will do until hologram technology catches up to our imaginations.

PLEASE REMEMBER THE PRIME DIRECTIVE - DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE

Romulan ale
Ingredients

25 mL blue curaçao
25 mL vodka
25 mL Triple Sec
25 mL lemonade

1. Pour the ingredients into a highball or any tall slim glass and stir.
   
   For an extra kick to make it more like its super potent and highly illegal inspiration, add 10 ml of Everclear.

Klingon blood wine
Ingredients

30 mL white rum
30 mL white tequila
tabasco sauce
grenadine
cranberry juice

1. Fill a glass with ice cubes, and add two dashes of tabasco sauce, and one dash of grenadine.
2. In a drink shaker, add the rum, and the tequila, and shake. Pour the contents into the glass with the ice, then top off the drink with cranberry juice until the glass is full.

The Jean Luc Picard
Ingredients

240 mL tea, Earl Grey, hot
30 mL Grand Marnier liqueur

1. Brew the tea, and pour it into a teapot. Add the Grand Marnier and stir.
2. Serve in a teacup.

The DS9 (This drink is better known as a Save the Planet, but is renamed for the space station that was instrumental in saving the planet Bajor for seven seasons)
Ingredients

30 mL vodka
30 mL melon liqueur (Midori, if possible)
15 mL blue curaçao
green Chartreuse

1. Fill a drink shaker with ice. Add the vodka, melon liqueur, and blue curacao. Shake.
2. Strain the contents into a chilled cocktail glass. Float the green Chartreuse on top and serve.

The 7 & 7 of 9 (Renamed for everyone's favorite refugee from the Borg Collective)
Ingredients

45 mL Seagram's 7 blended whiskey
7-Up

1. Fill a highball or any tall slim glass with ice. Add the Seagram's 7 and fill the rest of the glass with 7-Up.
2. Garnish with a cherry and an orange slice or with a twist of lemon (both are optional).

The Vulcan Beauty (This drink is based on the brandy-based drink the American Beauty because Vulcans make brandy, and American actress and model Jolene Blalock famously played Vulcan first officer and science officer T'Pol on "Star Trek: Enterprise".)
Ingredients

20 mL brandy
20 mL dry vermouth
20 mL orange juice
15 mL grenadine
15 mL creme de menthe

1. Fill a drink shaker with ice. Add all the ingredients and shake.
2. Strain it into a chilled cocktail glass.

Random Thoughts on Food Trends of the Decade

All the best to everyone in 2020. As we say goodbye to 2019 and look forward to a new decade, it's time to look back at some of the foods and food-related things that occurred in the 2010s.

• Cauliflower
  In the past ten years, the price of cauliflower has skyrocketed, with it going for as much as $9 per head at one point. Though a drought in California, oil prices, and a dropping Canadian dollar were to blame for this, it didn't stop the rise in popularity of cauliflower rice and cauliflower crust.
• Food in bowls
  Putting food in small hand-sized bowls was a popular thing this past decade, which is strange given that putting food in bowls has been around for as long as there have been bowls. It got popular enough that the term "bowl food" now exists, with the British press making a big deal about Prince Harry and Meghan Markle serving food other than soup and cereal in bowls at their wedding reception.
• Craft beer
  So many people started drinking beers from small independent breweries that the major breweries stood up and took notice, with new offerings to compete with the abundance of IPAs, sours, kölschs, and saisons now available.
• Cannabis edibles
  With weed legalization happening in more places around the world, people are being introduced to more ways to get the effects of cannabis without having to smoke it. Whether it's infused in gummies, cereal bars, lollypops, or seltzers, you're no longer limited to brownies.
• Non-dairy milk
  The cow has lost out on its monopoly in the dairy section with almond, coconut, hemp, rice, and soy milk now being regularly available. This opened up so many possibilities and options to people with dairy restrictions, milk allergies, or are lactose intolerant.
• Gluten
  Over the past ten years, we learned that gluten makes dough chewy and elastic and that people who don't even suffer from celiac disease enjoying gluten-free meals.
• Food on Instagram
  If you check someone's phone, you're probably going to find a photo of something someone can eat. Letting others see what they ate or what is available to be eaten is how Instagram became a social media powerhouse.
• The Instant Pot
  It's hard to believe that this ingenious kitchen device only debuted ten years ago. Now it's taking up space on kitchen counters everywhere with its ability to be seven different devices all at once.
• Plant-based meat
  People took to plant-based meats in a big way last year. There is some debate on whether this meat alternative is healthier for you, but anything that cuts one's intake of red meat isn't a bad thing health-wise.
• Pumpkin spice
  You either like it a lot or loathe it with every fibre of your being, but there was no escaping this ubiquitous flavouring, even if you didn't like expensive coffees.
• Fried chicken sandwiches
  You couldn't eat the ones at Chick-fil-a without upsetting the LGBTQ community; you couldn't find one at Popeyes because they sold out of them within hours; the other fast food companies scrambled to market one of their own. Who knew putting a piece of chicken in a bun would be so lucrative and controversial?
• Avocado
  Whether it was being put on toast, or being blamed for people's inability to save for a house in today's market, the avocado was the food that millennials made famous.

Dishwasher Cooking

Your dishwasher is a lot more versatile than you think. Not only does it make cleaning up after a meal that much easier, but it can also be used as a way to cook the food that will go on the plate. At the regular setting, dishwashers clean with water at around 50–70°C depending on which stage of the dishwashing cycle they're at, and at around 60–70°C during the drying stage. Preparing meats and vegetables in a dishwasher would allow them to be cooked at a precise temperature in a liquid bath for a long period of time, similar to poaching them or cooking them in a sous-vide machine. And the best part about cooking with this method is as long as you tightly seal your food in either aluminum foil, vacuum-sealed food bags, or waterproof sealable glass jars, it can be done either in an empty dishwasher if you're worried about getting soap in your food, or while running a full load of dishes. Still not convinced about giving dishwasher cooking a try? It was the preferred method of cooking salmon of Vincent Price, a famous actor who was a gourmet cook when he wasn't playing Dracula or supplying the laugh at the end of "Thriller". So give these recipes a try whenever you feel like cooking something but you don't want to be in front of an oven; it's like your not going to start hand-drying all those dirty dishes.

Vegetables

100 g of asparagus, carrots, fresh peas, green beans, or spinach
5 g grainy mustard (5 g butter can also be used)
250 mL water
Pinch of salt and pepper

Put everything together in a Mason jar or any jar that has a sturdy screw-on lid. Seal the jar and give it a good shake. Place the jar on the top rack of your dishwasher, and set to a normal washing cycle (at least 40 minutes, do not use the "economy", "cool dry" or "potscrubber" settings). Be careful removing jars — they will be hot.

Seafood

1 dozen shrimp, shelled and deveined (scallops, clams, or mussels can be substituted)
1 clove garlic, chopped
250 mL  white wine
125 mL water
5 g butter
Pinch of salt and pepper

As with the vegetables, put everything together in a Mason jar or any jar that has a sturdy screw-on lid. Seal the jar and give it a good shake. Place the jar on the top rack of your dishwasher, and set to a normal washing cycle (at least 40 minutes, do not use the "economy", "cool dry" or "potscrubber" settings). Be careful removing jars — they will be hot.

Quick Compote

100 g strawberries (or other berries of your choice)
125 mL water
15 mL maple syrup
Pinch of cinnamon

Combine the berries, cinnamon, maple syrup, water in a Mason jar or any jar that has a sturdy screw-on lid. Seal the jar and give it a good shake. Place the jar on the top rack of your dishwasher, and set to a normal washing cycle (at least 40 minutes, do not use the "economy", "cool dry" or "potscrubber" settings). Serve on ice cream. Be careful removing jars — they will be hot.

Salmon
(Note - this is the recipe used by the foremost expert on cooking fish in a dishwasher, Bob Blumer.)

4 salmon fillets (about 170 g each)
60 mL freshly squeezed lemon juice
Pinch of salt and pepper

Piquant Dill Sauce

2 leeks, white part only, finely chopped, then thoroughly washed
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 jalapeno, finely diced seeds and membranes removed
250 mL vegetable or chicken stock
60 mL sour cream
30 mL freshly squeezed lemon juice
30 g butter
15 g lightly packed fresh dill, stems removed before measuring
2 g salt
1.5 g freshly ground black pepper

1. Cut two square sheets of aluminium foil, big enough for two fillets on each. Place the fillets side by side on each square and fold up the outer edges. Drizzle the lemon juice over each fillet and season with salt and pepper.
2. Fold and pinch the aluminium foil extra tightly to create a watertight seal around each pair of fillets. Make sure the packet is airtight by pressing down on it gently with your hand. If air escapes easily, rewrap.
3. Place the foil packets on the top rack of the dishwasher. Run dishwasher for a normal washing cycle (at least 40 minutes, do not use the "economy", "cool dry" or "potscrubber" settings). When the cycle is complete, take out the salmon (be careful, it's hot), discard the foil, and place one fillet on a plate, with a generous serving of dill sauce overtop.
   
   Sauce
4. Melt the butter over medium heat in a saute pan. Add the leek, jalapeno, and garlic and saute for about 5 minutes, or until the leeks are translucent but not brown. Reduce heat to medium and add the stock. Simmer, uncovered, for 15 minutes. (Adjust heat as required to maintain the simmer.) The liquid should reduce by half. Remove the pan from the heat and let it cool.
5. Transfer the pan contents to a blender or food processor, then add the dill, lemon juice, salt, and pepper. Puree until smooth. Reserve and reheat just before serving. Stir in the sour cream at the last minute.

Better Late Than Never: How To Fry A Turkey

Moist and flavourful turkey is always the goal for Thanksgiving, so after hearing about how much of a life-changing experience frying a turkey is, I decided that was how I was going to prepare the Franklin family meal this year. As I planned to cook the bird on the Sunday before Thanksgiving (we do Turkey Day on the second Monday in October in Canada because our aboriginals harvested their crops earlier than the ones who got screwed over by the Americans did), I started my prep on Saturday by acquiring a turkey fryer from a local rental company. When I got back home, I had to determine how much oil was needed to fry the turkey the three of us planned to eat. To do this, I put the frozen turkey we had in the big ass pot that came with the turkey fryer and filled it with water until the turkey was completely submerged, then marked the water level on the inside of the pot with a pencil. With that done, I turned my attention to the turkey.

Because oil and water don't mix, I needed to be certain that my turkey had no ice in it. When the ice from a frozen turkey meets hot oil, it turns to steam instantly and expands several hundred times its original volume. This much pressure can cause the oil to bubble over and I really didn't want to deal with angry neighbours, property damage, severe injury and a visit from the fire department if the oil made contact with any flames. So if you try this, remember:

YOU ARE DEALING WITH BOILING OIL  - DO NOT LEAVE IT UNATTENDED!

Once the turkey was thawed out, I dried the inside and outside of it with paper towels, and seasoned it with a rub made from Old Bay, poultry seasoning, and paprika. I stuck it back in the fridge until I was ready for it.

When it was time to cook, and I started filling the pot with oil, I soon saw that the four 3 L bottles of sunflower oil I had were nowhere near the amount I needed. I was forced to make a quick run to the grocery store for some more, but even with the extra oil I bought, I didn't have enough to cover our turkey. Not wanting to head back to the store again, I decided to make do with what I had; this just meant I would now have to turn the turkey at various points to ensure it was completely cooked through. After setting up the fryer on the stone patio in the backyard (DO NOT SET UP A TURKEY FRYER  INSIDE OR ON A WOODEN DECK) and attaching the propane tank from my BBQ to the turkey fryer I rented, I fired it up and waited for the oil to heat up. I thought I had hooked up everything correctly, but it seems to take a long time for anything to happen. So again I had to improvise. I pulled my BBQ to the patio, reattached the tank, and placed the pot on the BBQ grill. As I knew how to start that cooking appliance, I was soon back in business.

I had to get the oil up to 190 degrees. If the oil starts to emit black smoke, that's a sign it's getting near its smoke point, and the temperature needs to be lowered. After confirming the oil hit the recommended 190 C, I carefully placed the turkey in the boiling oil.

As the turkey fried, I settled into a lawn chair with my laptop and watched the Jets pull off the upset and beat the Cowboys; I owe it all to my frying of the turkey. Every 20 minutes or so, I would flip the bird (HA!) to make sure the parts that weren't submerged in oil were cooked. After about 70 minutes of cooking, I went to check the turkey's doneness with my thermometer. I wish I had thought about how I would get the turkey out of the pot. I wished I had a bamboo skimmer as the tongs and fork combo I was forced to use was awkward. The turkey may have come apart on me, but I look at it as it saved me some carving time.

It was a beautiful golden brown and other than the oil I drained from the cavity, not as oily as I thought it would be. The turkey needed to rest for at least 20 minutes to allow it to finish cooking, so I placed it on a rack and cover it with aluminum foil. I reaped the rewards of my efforts when it was time to eat, as the meat was as tender and juicy as advertised. If you're looking for a fast way to make a great turkey that gives you space in your oven for side dishes, I highly recommend you give this method a try, it lives up to the hype.