Smell What the WWE is Cooking - Wrestlemania 37

If "Games of Thrones" and the superheroes of the Marvel Comics Universe are worthy of their own cookbooks, it shouldn't be that surprising that World Wrestling Entertainment has published some recipes featuring their superstars as well. With the latest installment of Wrestlemania happening this weekend, I thought I would go through this year's card, and pick the winners of the matches based on how much I like the recipes attributed to them in the latest version of the WWE official cookbook. While all the recipes in this book look like something someone with a reasonable amount of cooking skills can turn into edible meals, I understand that there will be those who will look down on anything involving something as fake as professional wrestling. Their loss - it's still real to me, dammit.

NIGHT 1 (I'm not sure why they spread Wrestlemania over two days this year, but I suspect it is for COVID or money-gauging reasons)

• RAW Tag-Team Championship - The New Day (c) vs AJ Styles & Omos
  The Princes of the Power of Positivity have "Booty O's Snack Mix" (made with WWE Booty O's breakfast cereal!) while the Phenomenal One gets lumped in with his old running buddies with the (Bullet) "Club Sandwich with Au Jus Styles".  I'm going with the sandwich over the sugary treat, even though I have no idea what this Omos guy brings to the ring other than being very tall.
  WINNER: AJ Styles & Omos
  
  
• Cesaro vs Seth Rollins
  Not seeing a recipe for Rollins with something flaming or flame-broiled seems like a missed opportunity for a sports entertainer with the catchphrase "Burn It Down". His entry is the one with his boys from the Shield, "Shield-Cut Oats".  The Swiss Superman gets to share a recipe with his former tag-team partner Sheamus from their days teaming as The Bar with a "Sheamus & Cesaro Salad" - this is less surprising because WWE has never known what to do with Cesaro. As I'm more likely to eat a salad than oatmeal while watching wrestling, this was an easy choice.
  WINNER: Cesaro
  
  
• Cage Match - Braun Strowman vs Shane McMahon
  "Braun Stroganoff" seems an appropriately hearty dish for a man called the Monster Among Men. Knowing how much the owner of the WWE and his family love self-promotion, I'm stunned that there aren't any entries representing any of the McMahon family in this edition of the cookbook. Braun wins by default, though I look forward to watching Shane do his customary unnecessary fall from a high object spot at some point during their match.
  WINNER: Braun Strowman
  
  
• The Miz and John Morrison vs Bad Bunny and Damian Priest
  Why are two wrestlers fighting with a recent Grammy winner and some guy from NXT? The reasons are too stupid to get into, and since none of these people have recipes attributed to them, I'm moving on.
  WINNER: Who cares
  
  
• Smackdown Women's Championship - Sasha Banks (c) vs Bianca Belair
  The champion gets "Salsa Banks", which I assume is a recipe spicy enough for the women's division's Legit Boss. The cookbook was released before the challenger debuted; because of that long thick braid of hair she sometimes uses as a whip, a recipe for a braided challah bread would be a good fit for Belair. Salsa always has a spot on my fridge just like Sasha always has a spot in my heart, but I won't be surprised if Smackdown has a new champion after Saturday night.
  WINNER: Sasha Banks
  
  
• Tag Team Turmoil - Naomi & Lana vs. Mandy Rose & Dana Brooke vs. The Riott Squad vs. Natalya & Tamina
  This match was added to the card recently with the winners earning the right to challenge WWE Women's tag team champions Nia Jax & Shayna Baszler the following night. As this match was just thrown together to give everyone involved a Wrestlemania payday, I'll pick the team of Natalya & Tamina because of the segment that went viral involving the two women complaining about not having a Wrestlemania moment, and because Natalya was the only wrestler to get her own recipe in the cookbook, a "Natali-an Wedding Soup".
  WINNER: Natalya & Tamina  


• WWE Championship - Bobby Lashley (c) vs Drew McIntyre
  Neither the current nor the former WWE Champion have recipes assigned to them. Because wrestling has always used race and ethnicity to create characters, I'm sure there will be a recipe for  Bobby Lashley's All Mighty Ribs and Claymore Kick Haggis in a future update. I prefer meat over sheep offal, so I'm going with Lashley retaining.
  WINNER: Bobby Lashley

NIGHT 2

• Kevin Owens vs Sami Zayn
  Both of these guys have been under WWE contract for years, there's no excuse for not putting them in a WWE cookbook, especially if someone can create "Michael Coleslaw" for annoying commentator Michael Cole. They should have taken advantage of both of their Quebec roots and attached a recipe for poutine or something with smoked meat in it to one of them. As these two wrestlers have fought one another multiple times over the years, there's a good chance that their match will be one of this year's highlights, even with the unnecessary inclusion of Logan Paul.
  WINNER: The fans 
   
• The Fiend vs Randy Orton
  They played it safe with the Viper, giving him a maize-based side dish named "Randy Cornton" instead of something with snake meat in it. Bray Wyatt's alter ego the Fiend didn't get a recipe, but his new sidekick, the possessed Harley Quinn knockoff that is Alexa Bliss, got an entry called the "Green Goddess of WWE Salad". I hate anything involving Wyatt's low-budget Undertaker ripoff, so hopefully, Orton gets the win to end their stupid feud.
  WINNER: Randy Orton
  
  
• Intercontinental Championship - Big E (c) vs Apollo Crews
  As part of the New Day, Big E gets stuck with the "Booty O's Snack Mix" recipe. Apollo Crews doesn't get a recipe, but he does get a new gimmick as an African militant to go with his new heel turn. I'm giving the "W" to Crews though because I'm annoyed that they didn't give the New Day's resident flapjack fanatic a recipe for pancakes; putting Xavier Woods on the cover mixing up some pancake batter was a tease. Cue sad trombone.
  WINNER: Apollo Crews
  
  
• US Championship - Riddle (c) vs Sheamus
  I don't know what Matt Riddle's recipe would be if they had one for the cookbook, but I'm sure it would be something bro-tastic like a bro-logna sandwich or mac-a-broni with cheese - what else would you expect from WWE's resident bro? Sheamus naturally has a "Sheamus Shamrock Shake" recipe under his kilt made with Guinness, but the chocolate chips and mint ice cream in it ruin the drink for me, so I'm giving the win to the former UFC fighter with the stoner gimmick.
  WINNER: Riddle 
  
  
• Raw Women's Championship - Asuka (c) vs Rhea Ripley
  It's going to be interesting to see where in the women's title hierarchy Asuka's original Wrestlemania opponent Charlotte Flair will be once she returns to action. Even if they gave Rhea Ripley some sort of kickass punk rock bangers and mash or fish and chips recipe, it wouldn't measure up to her opponent's "Filet Mignon with Crab Asuka". Kudos to the recipe chooser for not going with sushi or ramen. 
  WINNER: Asuka
   
• Women's Tag Team Championship - Nia Jax & Shayna Baszler (c) vs. TBD
  Assuming the champs will face Natalya & Tamina (how come tag-teams no longer have names anymore?) for the belts, this will be the Wrestlemania moment they wanted. It's time for Jax and Baszler to move on to bigger and better things.
  WINNER: Natalya & Tamina
  
  
• Universal Championship - Roman Reigns (c) vs Edge vs Daniel Bryan
  Roman Reigns was still the Big Dog and not the Tribal Chief when the cookbook was released, so his recipe is "Roman Onion Rings" instead of something closer to his Samoan roots. Daniel Bryan doesn't get a vegan recipe despite actually living a vegan lifestyle for health reasons, instead getting an entry with his wife Brie Bella, "Baked Brie with Craniel Bryan Sauce". The unretired Edge doesn't have a recipe in the latest cookbook, so I'm basing my decision on his recipe for "Edge's Cocktail Party Meatballs" from the "Can You Take the Heat? The WWF Is Cooking!" cookbook. As good as it looks in the picture, cranberry-sauced Brie with crackers seems more suited for a wrestling book club than at Wrestlemania. They didn't bring Adam Copeland out of retirement for nothing, so even though I love a good onion ring, and Reigns' excellent run as champion, I'm going with the Rated R superstar's party balls. Let's see if they can squeeze one more title run out of him.
  WINNER: Edge
  

From the Shelf: Pumpkin Soup

You're going to be buying a pumpkin for Halloween anyway, why not buy one to make something good to eat? Discovered when I was going through the collections of cookbooks I own, this recipe from "The Black Family Reunion Cookbook" will be perfect for these chilly nights, and is a good way to recycle your gourd before it heads to the green bin.

Ingredients:

1.4-1.9 L chicken consommé (refrigerate before using and skim off the fat)
910 g fresh pumpkin, peeled and cut up
230-455 g smoked meat of your choice (suggestions include pork, neckbones, turkey); can be left out entirely if the soup needs to be vegetarian
100 g small size dried pasta (shells or elbow macaroni)
100 g shredded cabbage
40 g green beans, cut up (or other vegertables of your choice)
15 g chopped fresh parsley
3 carrots, thinly sliced
2-3 celery stalks
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 large onion, diced

1. Cook the meat and the consommé in a large stockpot for 30 minutes (the consommé may be diluted with water.) Remove the meat and set aside.
2. Add the pumpkin, celery, onion, garlic, and parsley to the pot. Cook for 30 to 40 minutes until the pumpkin is done. Remove from heat and let cool.
3. Pour the contents of the stockpot in a blender and purée. Pour the purée back into the pot adding more consommé if the mixture is too thick.
4. Bring the soup to a boil. Add the carrots, green beans (or whatever vegetable you're using), and pasta. Cook until the pasta is tender.
5. If you are using meat in the recipe, slice or cut it up, and add it back to the soup. Add the cabbage, and cook for 10 minutes or until the cabbage is done but still crunchy.
   
   Serves 12. Store in covered airtight containers, and refrigerate any extra vegetable soup promptly. Properly stored, the soup will last for 3 to 4 days. Freeze it in covered airtight containers or heavy-duty freezer bags. Properly stored, it will maintain its best quality for about 4 to 6 months but will remain safe beyond that time.

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"The Black Family Reunion Cookbook" from the National Council of Negro Women contains more than 250 recipe from home kitchens, and highlights the values, traditions, and strengths of the Black family.

The Vulgar Chef vs. Thug Kitchen

Two popular cookbooks, "The Eat Like Shit Cookbook" from the Vulgar Chef (aka Kyle Marcoux), and the Thug Kitchen's "Eat Like You Give a F*ck" both share the same gimmick - edgy profanity.  Without the attitude and the curse words sprinkled throughout each publication, there is nothing that separates these publications from all the other cookbooks already out on the market. The Vulgar Chef uses the same Mornay cheese sauce that my favourite cookbook uses for macaroni and cheese; the basic vinaigrette recipe from the Thug Kitchen is no better than the one in everyone's favourite cookbook. Does that make the recipes in these books any less appealing? Not at all. "Eat Like You Give a F*ck" has a lot of great vegetarian foods inside and depending on how long you can tolerate the hardcore shtick, it would make a great source for those times a meatless dish is required. Meat lovers and food porn fans can't get enough of Marcoux's creations, as his food mashups are inspired. He was even featured on "FrankenFood". With that in mind, here are two recipes from each of these cookbooks that caught my eye, cleaned up for the easily offended.

Thug Kitchen's Carrot Cake Cookies

Ingredients

192 g flour (whole wheat pastry or white)
64 g packed light brown sugar
58.5 g chopped walnuts
58.5 g raisins or chopped candied ginger (optional)
5 g baking powder
2.5 g salt
2.5 g ground cinnamon
2.5 g ground ginger
2 medium-sized carrots, shredded
118 mL milk (regular, almond, nondairy, whatever)
59 mL olive or grapeseed oil

1. Preheat oven to 190 ℃. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
2. In a large bowl, mix the flour, brown sugar, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, and ground ginger until you no longer see lumps. In a separate bowl, mix the shredded carrots, milk, and oil. Pour the wet ingredients into the dry ones and stir until there are only a few dry spots. Fold in the nuts and raisins (or chopped candied ginger) and stir until there aren't any dry spots.
3. Spoon the dough onto the baking sheet for about 18 to 22 minutes, until the bottoms are golden brown.

The Vulgar Chef's Drunk as Fuck Mussels with Smokey Ass Garlic Onion Butter

Ingredients

900 - 1360 g mussels, cleaned and debearded
64 g chopped red onion
60 g fresh chopped garlic
32 g corn kernels (can or off the cob)
32 g thinly sliced fresh or pickled jalapeño
32 g chopped fresh basil
237 mL bourbon or white wine
1 chopped medium-sized tomato
butter (half a stick)
olive oil
cooked and chopped bacon
crumbled blue cheese
salt and pepper to taste

1. Run the mussels under cold water, and rinse or scrub any debris on the shell. Yank the beard (the thin, sticky membranes hanging out of the shell) out. If you spot any gaping mussels, check for signs of life by picking them and squeezing them a few times or knocking them with another mussel. The mussel should slowly close itself back up. If it doesn't, toss it in the trash. Soak the remaining mussels in a bowl of cold water for 30 minutes.
2. Heat 14g of butter and 14 g of olive oil in a large pot at medium heat. Add the garlic, jalapeño, basil, onion and let cook for about 5 minutes, stirring frequently. Toss in the mussels and give everything a good stirring. Throw in the bourbon, tomato, and corn and cook until the mussels open up.
3. Melt the remaining butter. Once the mussels open up, throw in butter and give everything one final mix. Serve in a bowl, and top with the blue cheese and the bacon.