I Watched This So You Wouldn't Have To: "Iron Chef USA: Showdown in Las Vegas" featuring William Shatner

In the early 1990s, there was a popular Japanese cooking show called "Iron Chef". The premise involved a man named Chairman Kaga assembling an arena where gourmet chefs from around the world competed in a timed contest against one of his Iron Chefs, masters of various international cooking styles.  The show became a surprise hit in North America when subtitled (later overdubbed) episodes started airing on stations around the U.S. After the show ended in 1999, an American version was attempted in 2001, featuring Star Trek's Captain Kirk. How does William Shatner figure into something like this? I couldn't wait to remove the shrinkwrap from the DVD I had in my possession to find out.

• The DVD contains the two specials created for the old UPN network. I don't remember when I bought this DVD but I assume it was done in a state of extreme intoxication or pop culture-induced euphoria.
• This was filmed at the MGM Grand in Vegas I guess during one of the rare times a UFC fight wasn't happening.
• As William Shatner explains the show's concept, the idea that he has his own culinary academy is ridiculous.
• I wonder if Shatner requested the purple and black pimp suit he's wearing for this.
• "Turn up the heat!" Shatner exclaims to kick off the show.
• Should I be surprised one of the show's commentators has the last name of Burger?
• According to this Michael Burger, his co-host Anthony Dias Blue is one of the foremost authorities on food and restaurants; I've never heard of either guy before in my life.
• To prove how much of a food authority he is, we see Big Willy Shatner strutting into Kitchen Arena behind a platoon of chefs and watch as he dismisses one of the chefs that will be helping in this competition because he didn't like how his chef's whites look - someone must have told Shatner to act like as if he's still an Admiral in Starfleet. 
• "Good evening food lovers everywhere!"
• Shatner summons his Iron Chefs, and we see the four men appear on a rising stage. 
• We learn that Jean Francois Meteigner is the French Iron Chef and he operates two celebrated restaurants in Los Angeles.
• Alessandro Stratta is the Italian Iron Chef. From the look on his face, he wants to be anywhere other than Kitchen Arena.
  
• The Asian Iron Chef is Roy Yamaguchi, dubbed the Samurai of Stirfry by Shatner. I bet he called him Sulu at least once during the taping of these specials.
• Todd English rounds out the team as Iron Chef American. As celebrity chefs go, he flies under the radar despite having several restaurants and cookbooks under his belt.
• The audience is doing a lot of cheering but I'm sure they have no idea why they're doing so, as all they're seeing are 4 chefs standing on a stage. I refuse to believe people brought signs for a cooking show that just debuted.
  

Burger: "What an assembly of talent, it's amazing!"
Blue: "It sure is."
Burger: "And if you think about this, it's kinda like having Michael Jordan, Wilt Chamberlain, Larry Bird, and Shaq all in one room!" 

• No, it is most certainly not. There's not even a tall black guy on the stage.
  
• The challenger is Kerry Simon, the rock and roll chef. He enters the cooking arena on the back of a motorcycle because of course he does.
• Why is he the rock and roll chef? Because he started out as a musician before he started cooking professionally. At one point, Rolling Stone magazine called him one of the world's hottest personalities.
• In a pretaped segment, Simon talks about the pressure of competitive cooking and acknowledges it's a lot different than cooking at home. He credits "being grounded " as one of the keys to his success, along with mastering every recipe in Julia Child's repertoire - he cooked everything in "Mastering The Art Of French Cooking" before it was trendy.
• David Bowie proposed to his wife Iman in the kitchen of one of Simon's restaurants - how rock-n-roll is that Burger gushes. "Not very." is my response.
  
• Shatner asks who Simon wants to battle and after an appropriate dramatic pause, he chooses to face the American Iron Chef, a good choice as he seems to be the only chef who is comfortable with being on camera. The crowd goes wild when English accepts.
• We hear more about English's background, learning that he graduated from the Culinary Institute of America and that he is a fierce competitor.

Blue: "You know that he originally wanted to be a baseball player, but his career was cut short by injury."
Burger: "So now you can say he stands behind a different kind of plate."
Blue: "Yes, that's very cute."

• Blue isn't here for Burger's bad puns and bullshit.
• Shatner explains to the competitors and the audience the rules: each chef has to prepare at least 5 dishes in 60 minutes, with each dish having an unknown secret ingredient as part of it. Fifty percent of the grade is based on taste, 25 % on presentation, and 25 % on originality.
• The cooking begins when Chairman Shatner reveals tonight's secret ingredient: Dungeness crab. A gong sounds and we see a mad dash to a large tank as the chefs and their assistants hurriedly scoop up the crustaceans.
• Burger saying this is "the Superbowl of cooking" is a huge stretch, 15-yard penalty for hyperbole.
• Calling the action in Kitchen Arena is Sissy Biggers who apparently is no stranger to the world of professional cooking and kitchens (I had to Google to learn she's hosted food-related shows in the past).  Biggers says it's a "real pressure cooker" on the floor and we see the audience is hyped for all the hot cooking action they will be seeing; right on cue, there's an enthusiastic cheer from the crowd.
• With Biggers hovering nearby we hear from Simon that his biggest concern prepping the crabs for cooking is to not get bitten by one of them  - I thought the bigger concern would be their claws, not their mouths.
• Burger channels his inner John Madden as they do a wide shot of Kitchen Arena and he starts circling different areas with a telestrator. You can't turn a cooking show into Monday Night Football, no matter how much you want to.
• Shatner is nowhere to be seen, and neither are the guys in chef's whites who I thought would be assisting the chefs in the competition. Simon and English's sous chefs are wearing grey and blue outfits respectively. 
• I'm not sure if English is loving this or mocking this competition by the way he's running around and playing to the audience and camera. For a rock and roll chef, Simon doesn't have much of a stage presence, not that focusing on your cooking is a bad thing. 
• They keep saying the competitors have to create original dishes for this cooking battle, but how are they going to know if they have ever cooked those dishes before?
• After asking what a sous chef is, it's clear that it's Blue's job to provide cooking explanations while it's Burger's responsibility to provide colour commentary
• Again, I forget that terms you hear regularly on the Food Network now weren't commonplace in 2001; Kitchen Confidential only debuted the previous year.
• As a way to give them more screen time, we see the other Iron Chefs watching the competition. Meteigner looks bored as fuck.
• Hearing Blue say hand mixers aren't common in American kitchens after seeing Simon using one shows how much has changed since the early 2000s. Simon is blending tomatoes, basil, olive oil, garlic, and red wine vinegar with said hand mixer.
• Biggers asks what English is whisking in his bowl. He plays coy and refuses to tell her for some reason. Blue assumes it's egg whites.
• Another pretaped segment highlights English's love of showmanship and sports metaphors with mentions of "razzle dazzle", and how he loves being "in the bottom of the ninth with two runs on".
• Now I'm certain English is mocking this contest, as all he's been doing for the last few minutes is whisking those egg whites and making faces at the crowd and the cameras. Someone must have reminded English that he has to cook something, as we now see him putting some crab meat on a grill.
• We see Simon adding some port to a pan full of figs while hearing the commentators marvel at how despite the pressures of the competition, both chefs' kitchens are still immaculately clean.
• Twenty minutes into the competition, we are introduced to the judges: famed comedy writer Bruce Vilanch; "Baywatch: Hawaii" star and Playboy Playmate of the Year Brande Roderick; actor Mark Famiglietti; and actress Elise Neal. I get why Vilanch was hired, but I don't get what the other judges bring to the table other than their limited celebrity.
• Speaking of limited celebrity, did you know Todd English was featured in the 2001 "50 Most Beautiful People" issue of People magazine? Now you do - you're welcome.
• At the thirty-minute mark, we see English has made a "crepe of some sort", according to Blue. The American Iron Chef mentions it's made with red cornmeal with some crab in it, but refers to it as a gateau. Take that, Jean Francois...
• Simon follows his rival's example as he blows off Biggers when she asks what he plans to do with some corn, diced red pepper, diced red onions, and pineapple in a pan.
• After having explained to him that the giant blender in the container with ice the camera has focused on is an ice cream maker, Burger is disturbed by the possibility of crab ice cream.
• He then does an unnecessary Christopher Walken impression that Blue completely ignores.
• We get a slow-motion replay of English flipping his cornmeal pan gateau. The commentators act as if he were Babe Ruth calling his shot in the World Series.

Burger: "There is no way you can do that in your house without getting your ceiling dirty!"

• Come on, man...
• Simon alerts some of his sous chefs that they need to turn around so the camera can see that they're huddling up to go over their plan of attack for the rest of the competition.
• Little Caesar's gets a plug as we learn Simon started rolling dough there at the age of 15. I don't know when Bill Murray ever worked at a pizza parlor, but when he did, it was with Kerry Simon. 
• We watch as Simon starts plating one of his dishes, which Blue guesses is crab ceviche.
• For the first time since he announced the secret ingredient, we see William Shatner, watching the contest with a look that says he can't believe he's getting paid to do this.
• In his pre-taped segment, it states that along with being a BIG TIME CELEBRITY, Shatner is also the founder and chairman of the American Culinary Academy and the creator of Kitchen Arena. A quick Google search shows there is no American Culinary Academy, instead, it takes you to information about the Culinary Institute of America, an actual culinary school that produces people who can cook and sometimes become BIG TIME CELEBRITIES.

Shatner: "Competition is the key! Chef against chef! Mano a mano! Survival...of the fittest! Totally rad!"

• Even by Shatner's standards that was over the top. Burger isn't helping any by saying Shatner is one of the "most fascinating culinary minds of our era". Blue immediately talks about what Simon is pulling out of a wok full of hot oil. We both assume it's a crab cake.
• You can almost hear Blue's eyes rolling as Burger calls the chinois strainer English is seen using the hat the Scarecrow wore in The Wizard of Oz.
• Simon pours some tequila into a bowl with some crab meat in it. Naturally for the rock and roll chef, he's using rock star Sammy Hagar's brand of tequila.
• Spot-on explanation about how ceviche is made by Blue.
• We see Shatner stroll into English's kitchen and help himself to a spoonful of caviar. His shit-eating grin shows it's good to be the Chairman and the Shat.
• English wisely plays up to Shatner, and after seeing the commentators gesturing, runs over to them and tosses them some caviar to sample as well. We don't see Blue's reaction, but Burger's not a fan.
• Twenty minutes remaining. English is seen handling a sea urchin to be used in a soup that will be served in a half coconut shell. A very tropical presentation.

Burger:"Is a sea urchin edible?
Blue: "There's a part of a sea urchin that's edible. You want to know what part it is?"
Burger:"What part is that?"
Blue:"It's called the gonads."

• Right on cue, a gong gets struck. Blue shouts "Yes!" and starts laughing - good to see he's getting into the spirit of things.
• We get another slow-motion reply, this time of English throwing a pinch of salt into a bowl from behind his back. It wasn't that impressive the first time.
• Fifteen minutes left in the competition, and we see Simon drizzling some of the concoction he made earlier onto some crab meat. English has pulled a layer cake from the oven made out of the pancakes he made.
• It must have smelled amazing in that studio.
• Burger claims he saw some sea urchin uni and roe in one of the kitchens just so he can say "sperm" and "love juices" on national television. After that, I bet Blue regretted saying how delicious uni was.
• Copper cooking pots are strongly recommended by Blue for home cooks because they conduct heat well. Sure they're expensive, but Blue assures us it's worth it in the long run.
• With ten minutes left, Simon amazingly has time for a phone call from Chef Jean-Georges Vongerichten. They didn't mention who this Vongerichten is (mentor? former employer? close personal friend?), or why he talking to Simon, but he's apparently important enough we get to witness their brief conversation.

Biggers: What is that?
Simon: This is a huitlacoche.
Burger: Doesn't she work with Queen Latifah? They got an album coming out with Destiny's Child, huitlacoche...

• Ugh, this fucking guy... To make up for that clunker, someone feeds Burger a description of what huitlacoche actually is. I'll buy Blue knowing this information, but there's no way Burger knew that off the top of his head.
• The final three minutes see the competitors hurrying to plate their entrees. For one of his dishes, English uses some of the shells of the crabs to build what Burger calls a crab condo.
• Simon does a good job of not showing how concerned he is about how long whatever he's making in the ice cream maker is taking.
• The audience is on its feet. No one should be that excited to see a chef put food on a plate unless they're going to eat that food themselves.
• Shatner leads the audience in a countdown of the final seconds.  A sous chef lights some sparklers that were added to English's crab shell constructs just as the clock ticks down.
• Simon looks at his opponent preening with his flaming dish and wonders why he didn't get some fireworks to use. Burger gushes over English's showmanship and questions Simon's confidence in his dishes to Blue's dismay.
• We see Shatner seated at a long table with the judges and he reminds them to "keep an open mind and an open mouth" when making their decisions.
• The rock n roll chef presents six dishes: melon soup; raw crab with garlic, ginger, and sesame oil; a Suzi Wong Cabo Wabo martini; crab cakes with huitlacoche; a spicy crab caramel dip; and sugared crab cakes with an Old Bay sorbet.
• Burger wonders how much the judges plan to eat. Blue reminds him that they have a lot of dishes to sample.
• Vilanch liked how the ingredients of the melon soup didn't complement each other but still worked. The two women also liked how well the sweetness of the melon worked in the soup.
• Famiglietti likes the raw crab dish despite "not being a fan of raw things". Neal is no sushi fan, but she said she liked some Japanese dishes, so we're not sure where she stands on the crab dish she had to judge.
• Burger asks what's in Vilanch's fridge at home. Apparently, it's the head of Anthony Hopkins to the amusement of the audience.
• The Suzi Wong Cabo Wabo martini was well-received taste-wise but lost points from Vilanch because he wasn't sure how you were supposed to eat it (you had to use what looked like corn chips to scoop the crab out of the martini glass and smear a sauce on everything). No explanation of who Suzi Wong is or what she means to the dish.
•  The addition of heirloom tomatoes inside the crab cakes elevated them "beyond the valley of crab cakes", according to Vilanch. They should have given him Burger's job.
• "It's great! Who would have thought caramel and crab?" said the Playboy centerfold. I concur, that seemed to be the oddest dish put forth.
  
  Burger: "I just enjoy Brandi eating, is that wrong? Does that make me a bad person?"
Blue: "...kinda."


• After asking for it. the slow-motion replay we get of Roderick eating confirms Burger is not only a bad person but also a very lonely man as well.
• The commentators seem to think Simon has pulled off making a dessert with crab but the judges haven't said as much yet.
• If watching Roderick eat got Burger excited, watching her lick her spoon after tasting the sorbet must have really gotten him going. He probably asked for a copy of that for later viewing.
  
  Burger: "Kerry, let me ask you a technical question, how did you cut the hole in the top of that crab shell?"
  Simon: "Uhh...with a knife."
  
  
• I'd declare Simon the winner just for that answer alone.
• Everyone but Vilanch gives the sorbet high praise, it was too strange for him. No one said anything about the sugary crab, however.
• Simon receives a standing ovation from the audience as he bows to the judges.
• The Iron Chef responds with six dishes of his own: a Dungeness crab ceviche; a 24-carat gold crustacean flan; a trio of crab soups; a crab leg brochette with a peach glaze; crab served in a small pumpkin; and a scallop and crab mousseline.
• I wonder if the person waving the American flag when English appeared got paid to do so, or is that heartfelt American patriotism. It could be both. 
• The ice bowls the ceviche was served in also had a dry ice component that added a "Star Trek effect"(simulating a beam out?) to the presentation. Vilanch thought the bowl was the "best thing to happen to ice since the Titanic". Neal and Roderick both liked their ceviche, though Neal thought it was too sweet for her taste.  Shatner liked English's blatant sucking up. 
• For such an alleged food authority, Big Willie Chairman's been awfully quiet.
• Gold leaf adds nothing to food other than the appearance of decadence. Famiglietti and Neal were bigger fans of the caviar, and the flan itself.
• English impresses everyone with his presentation as the bowls his trio of soups is being served in (the coconut shells seen earlier and some sea urchin shells) are getting as much praise as the soups themselves, a tortilla soup, a Thai-inspired red curry soup, and a crab nage. 
• The crab leg brochette was served in a contraption that simulated roasting on a grill. English is really pulling out all the stops in this, he took this a lot more seriously than I thought.
• The former baseball player swung and missed with the crab in the pumpkin shell entree as most of the judges find it too salty. Roderick mentioning she adds extra salt to her French fries got a huge cheer from the audience for some reason.
• The scallop and crab mousseline entree still had sparklers lit in it as it arrived at the table. It was spicy but well received.
  
  Vilanch: "You know, a dish like this makes me so happy that I'm such a fat pig."
  
  
• What more needed to be said? English took his bows, as the judges made their decisions and the totals were tallied up.
• Blue and Burger both commend the chefs on their efforts, saying it's too close to call in their opinion. Burger thought English backed up his showboating with his dishes, while Blue appreciated the subtle elegance of Simon's dishes.
• With his arms around each competitor's shoulders, Shatner announces the winner after the requite dramatic pause - Iron Chef American wins it for Iron Chef USA. The points breakdown shows Simon wasn't that far off from English in terms of originality and taste, but English's presentation was where he pulled ahead (97 points to Simon's 79). 
• English drinks in the accolades while Simon congratulates him. In the post-match interviews, Simon doesn't seem that upset over losing, saying it's all a part of the life experience. English is just happy that he finished and that his dishes turned out the way he hoped they would.

Shatner: "A lesson to be learned...do not shrink from individuality, take time to appreciate the unique qualities in yourself and others. Take time to use a different seasoning in your day or simply arrange your world in a unique way...appreciate every moment on the sweet green sphere remembering eating fuels the body...eating well fuels the soul. Never stop looking for the spice of life...good night."

• Of all the ways to end a cooking show, that was definitely one of them. Shatner must have been channeling Jerry Springer's Final Thought with that one. The credits roll as Burger and Blue wish us so long until next time.

BOTTOM LINE: As the original series and the versions that have appeared on Food Network and Netflix have shown, the concept of "Iron Chef" if done properly, is a fun and compelling show to watch. This take on "Iron Chef" just didn't work. Marketing "Iron Chef USA" as if it were a sporting event was a bad choice. For a cooking show, there wasn't a lot of focus on the actual cooking or the ingredients used, which was a major part of the show it was based on. Another part of the original show's appeal was the overdubbing into English that gave the show a quirky charm. They tried to replicate that with some Shatner wackiness, but unfortunately, they only got the bare minimum from Captain Kirk. Blue wasn't interesting enough to carry the show by himself, and Burger's dad jokes weren't funny enough to do so either. Maybe people were still processing the 9-11 attacks and weren't in the mood for a show like this.  As one of the commentators said early in the program, "Well, you know what they say: if you can't stand the heat, well, then change the damn channel." They only made one more episode of Iron Chef USA. Irony sure can be ironic sometimes.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

• Anthony Dias Blue went on to host the Blue Lifestyle Minute on WCBS and KNX.
• Michael Burger went on to host some game shows and was the warmup comedian for the live audience tapings for the sitcom "Hot in Cleveland " - knowing this makes me appreciate all the work Betty White did carrying that show even more.
• Todd English expanded his restaurant empire to the point where he is the 9th highest-earning chef in the world as of 2020, according to Wikipedia.
• Kerry Simon went on to open many restaurants, two of them in the Hard Rock hotels in Las Vegas and Punta Cana. Sadly he died in 2015 of multiple-system atrophy.
• William Shatner continues to do William Shatner things.